7.05.2012

I'm complaining.

Today, I am grumpy.

And its one of those exceptional grumpys (...grumpies? whatever.) where nothing is making you happy, and you can identify that its completely irrational - but feel powerless at defeating it. And its ugly. And i keep starting sentences with and.


And no, I do not think it is because I am 8 months pregnant thankyouverymuch.
...but maybe thats part of it.

So today, i will put a voice to my grumpy complaints in hope that if i put them out into the world, they will go away. Sometimes that happens. I put them out there and then all the things i have to be happy about start glaring me in the face. Pretty sure that will happen this time too.
but i apologize, because i know this is ugly and not at all keeping with the standard blog which paints perfect pictures. but this is where i'm at today and i wasnt about to post it on facebook or twitter, but wanted to get it out of my system nevertheless, and its a bit of a ghost town on this here blog so i dont feel *too* exposed.



Today, i wish/miss/want little things. Such as:

*that it actually rained here more than twice a year. i miss the rain. 
*that i could have soft cheese & a diet coke. 
*i had new curtains in my dining room & master bedroom. 
*a pergola existed in my backyard to provide just an ounce of shade so i could play out there with my two year old for longer than before 9am and after 6pm. and so i could put twinkle lights up on it. 
*that i could figure out what to do with the massively big wall in my central living area because it looks bare and makes me crazy. 
*that i had the energy & nerve to completely clean the garage, including vacuuming the edges to get rid of spiders, so it could be a cool, extended play area for Silas. 

....i do love my little house. I will never be one of those chic people who needs a house with a name (really, what is THAT about?), or knows what different types of glass are called, or paints chevron stripes on their walls in things like Ralph Laurens 'Pearlized Grey with an E'....but i have a vision for my little space just like any other girl who has access to blogs does, and sometimes it frustrates me that i cant seem to make it happen. 



Today, i also wish/miss/want big things. Such as:

*i was with my big beautiful extended family, camping in New England like I've done almost every year of my life.

*that i lived close to my immediate family, so i could do meaningless, everyday things like go over for dinner. or stop by and have coffee (or in my sisters case, tea) in the morning. or hug them. or work on crafty projects that my mother is so much better at than i am. or go on a date with my husband because my son actually has grandparents in his life & an aunt who wants to spend time with him. or go to church together. or not have holidays cost upwards of $700 just so we could be together.
skype doesn't cut it after a while.

*that i could go to the beach and float in the ocean for some semblance of relief and sunshine rather than just lulloping around my house.

*that i could form some sort of contingency plan for when baby girl arrives that will allow me to keep my house clean & my family fed. This is easily my biggest concern at this point. I finally feel like i've reached that 'adult' place (whatever that means) where you make your bed each day. and do the dishes just because they need to be done. and fold laundry the same day you wash it. and my biggest fear is that when i have a newborn again i'll torture myself trying to keep up with the house, and be an attentive mom to Silas, while working 3 days a week, then making sure my husband has dinner when *he* comes home exhausted from work, while on no sleep. How will i keep my family fed (emotionally and physically) & my house clean? This presses on me daily.

*that i knew one single solitary mom here who had a child Silas' age. i dont know a single one. and it gets awfully lonely sometimes. though the idea of "play-dates" stresses me out too...so thats kinda a no-win. blargh.

*that this charming small town i live in would have designed just ONE kid-friendly thing that didn't require a massive, diminishing return effort from parents. Like a zoo. or animal preserve. or aquarium. or museum of any kind (other than historical. not hugely stimulating for the 2 year old). or ceramic painting store. There are pools, but they are expensive, and i just cant quite bring myself to pay $25 to sit on the edge of my seat the entire time lest my child's face go too long below the surface.
There are playgrounds, but they tend to echo the 99 degree weather we've been having lately and - in case you did not know - playgrounds are not effort free for parents. There is "you'd like to go up there? ok i'll help you." "i am watching!" "yes i will wash the dirt off your hands" "you hurt your toe? yes i will kiss it, sandy as it is." "yes, i will help you down the slide" "please come here, you need more sunscreen" "yes, i will push you on the swing" "yes, i will take your shoe off to remove the rock" "yes you may have a drink" "i'm sorry they pushed you." <---for whatever reason, this happens almost EVERY TIME my tenderhearted boy goes to a playground. He is passive where other children are bold. I was worried for a while it was me projecting 'VICTIM' onto him...and then he was nearly trampled during this years Easter egg hunt and gave up 5 minutes in because it was too intense. His basket went down and his arms up to his daddy, and thats when i really knew he was just quieter & more internal that a lot of children, and thats ok. On average we'll be at a playground for about 10 minutes before he even leaves my side. He scopes it out, watches the other kids, and slowly - slowly- will make his way a few feet from me, scampering back every few seconds to re-establish that i'm there, im watching, i wont leave him. To be clear, this is not something i am grumpy about. His empathetic and quiet but curious nature to other children is something i fully embrace about him, but embracing it means we limit our playground time for more reasons than just weather & money. So we spend most days inside our house, just the two of us. and that big bare wall.

So pardon me, I know its not attractive.
I'm just having a human moment over here.
I'm just grumpy.


...but it just started to rain.







1 comment:

  1. Thank God for the rain. Thank you for understanding playgrounds. I hope tomorrow feels better or cooler OR both. Our boys sound similar in their personalities. And I'd love to have a friend like you around me. It does feel lonely often. And the only thing I know is that somehow, when that baby comes, you become capable of caring for everyone, even when it seems impossible. Hope today is better.

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